Mommy is not okay

Why must we be so strong all the time? This is the question I ask myself all the time. How many times have you had a hard day and tell your kids I’m okay? Doesn’t matter if you are sick, pissed or crying you always say I’m okay.

Why? Sometimes I’m not okay!

You know what? Sometimes my kids are not okay. I want them to express that they are tired or crabby. They can tell me if they need space or a big hug.

For a very long time I hid all my emotions. Not just from my kids but from the world. I would hold all my feeling inside to the point of having stomach pains even as a child. That is the last thing I want for my girls.

Kids need to see emotions and more importantly see how you handle and get through them. My kids know I go to therapy and practice yoga. If we are all having a bad day just have a dance party to let it all out.

My girls have seen me crying and ask what’s wrong and I tell them. Not in great detail or anything, just I had a rough day or I’m not feeling well. They give me a giant hug and I start to feel better. Even when I try to hide it they know might as well be honest about it.

My kids know I get angry argue with their dad sometimes. They also see how we get through that and then are okay. I’m not saying you need to involve your kids in every break down or emotion you have. I just feel it’s healthy for mommy to say I’m not okay sometimes.

I don’t want them to grow up being afraid to show emotion like I was. I want them to response correctly to someone who is having a hard time. Be a helpful and caring person in this world.

It is okay to feel all your feelings. It is okay to say your not okay. Take a breath and let out some of those emotions. I promise in the end you will feel better.










Music therapy

Music is my daily therapy. No matter what emotions I’m going through there is a song for it. I’m lucky enough to get to listen to music throughout my day at work.

I started out my day really pissed off. No real reason I was tired but, that isn’t a new thing. I decided to start my day with some feel good music.

I work through the nothingness I was pissed about and I move to my next genre and play some alternative. I’m in a good groove at work taking calls, putting in orders and quotes and then bam.

Grateful Dead comes on, every time I hear them I think of my Step dad Mike. He has been passed for some time now and this was his music. There is a Grateful Dead sticker on the door at my house and my girls are always counting the bears. It always makes me smile, he would have loved seeing that.

This music makes me think of summer time, he would be outside blaring Grateful Dead or the oldest country music he could find. BBQing while smoking his smokes and drinking some beer. He would just be sitting back sharing a little of his beer with my dog Rufus, as I yell at him for it. I never thought I would miss those moments so much.

He would make my then teenage self sit outside and monitor him while he took on dangerous tasks. Like climbing a 100 year old wooden latter to cut dead limbs down from our trees. “Just sit there and call 911 if I fall out of this damn tree”

I would get so mad at him and my mom for waking me up at the crack of dawn so go fishing. I don’t fish nor did I like getting up early. Also I was forced to in his words “bum around.” Endless day of driving to no where really.

So here I am crying at my desk at work because Grateful dead came on. Music is a powerful thing. I think maybe he was watching over me today. Just checking in to see if he needs to yell at me for being a dumba**.

My mom will not like that I’m cursing in this but there is no talking about Mike without a little cursing. I mean we had a cat that he named damn it because he was always running under our feet.

He was the dad I always needed and I wish he could have been around longer. So when your parents are driving you crazy just remember they may not always be around. You will miss them driving you crazy, I know I do. I’m glad I was dragged around to make memories with my family. Sometimes the perfect music comes on to remind you of what you are missing.

My girls are my peace

My children are the cause of my insanity and my peace. I know that might sound crazy but, it is so true. There are times when my kids drive me crazy, when they are not listening and acting wild. It seems as soon as I am about to lose it one of them does the sweetest thing and all the bad is eased.

I recently was thankful for Hannah my 3 year old. It was one of those crazy nights with my girls. They were super hyper not listening running around like a bunch of wild bulls. I put them to bed and just tried to relax. As I try to sleep myself I keep getting woke up. Hannah wakes up screaming with a bad dream. Hailey had to go to the bathroom around midnight, then woke up at 2am and found her tablet and was playing games. I went in her room and asked what she was doing. She said ” well mommy you left it in here.” AHHH at this point I am so tired and just done. I just want to get some sleep, you wouldn’t think it would be so hard.

Finally when no one is screaming or having to go potty everything is still and quiet. Everything that is except my brain. My mind would not stop running, I was thinking and stressing about things for no reason. Started with the dentist, when did the girls go last? Are they overdue to go? When did they last get vaccines? I think they are good I need to call all their doctors tomorrow and make sure I’m not behind. I am probably totally behind on something. Will they judge me “oh there is Hailey and Hannah’s mom always running behind.”

My mind goes on like this for about an hour. I am crying at this point because I don’t know how to make it stop. I tried to get up and get a drink, deep breathing even some mediation music. Nothing is working and I am only getting worse. Then I hear Hannah get up and get into bed with me. As I am about to kick her out to get back into her own bed she starts rubbing my head. She is softly rubbing my hair and face and it instantly relaxed me. She kept doing this and then gave me a sweet little kiss on my forehead and told me everything was okay and that she loved me. Honestly, I passed out while she was doing this.

After I thought nothing in the world would calm me down, all it took was some love from my 3 year old. Having a night of me correcting and yelling at them all night she still loves me so much. I really don’t know what I would do with out my girls. If anyone else is having a night of anxiety, take a deep a breath and go struggle with your kids. As much as they drive you crazy the love is always there.

Getting back on track

Getting off track is so easy. All it took for me was two weeks of sickness. Both my girls and I were sick at some point over the past couple weeks. As any mom knows you don’t get to rest when your sick.

For two weeks it was long days and nights that sucked the life out of me. By the time we were all better I was still exhausted. Part of that was because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was busy taking care of everyone else.

I didn’t notice I stopped yoga because I was trying to sleep or clean every free minute I had. I didn’t notice I wasn’t eating right or hardly at all.

Most important I didn’t notice what a funk I was in. I was stressed and depressed, it took me a while to fully notice how bad I was.

Nothing is harder than getting back to your good habits. I started by getting sleep, as soon as the girls went to bed so did I. After a couple days of that I went grocery shopping and bought all healthy food.

I need to back to nature go for a walk and get some vitamin D. Lastly I am currently yelling at myself to start yoga again. It is so hard to back a good habit. As they say it is easier to break a habit than to make a habit.

I feel like crap knowing I lost my progress and was fine with it for a while. I just walked around in a funk eating crap. It was way easier to not deal with anything and be lazy.

My physical and mental self do not agree with my laziness. I’m snapping at everyone, I can’t concentrate my anxiety is high again. I need to take a breath and get to work. I am worth the effort to live healthy. I am worth making and keeping these good habits. Take minute to look at yourself and make sure you are taking care of you, because you are worth it.

Accepting help

I don’t know about you but, I am a “I got it” mom. I’m terrible at asking and accepting help. I don’t know if I’m trying to prove that I can do it or if it’s a control issue. Probably a little bit of both.

Yesterday I was sick at home. I’m so stubborn that when my boyfriend told me he would get the girls from preschool I said I got it.

Why do I do it to myself? I live way out of town there is no reason for me to get them. Plus I still feel like crap. As usual I beat myself up for this. Just let someone help what is wrong with you?

For once I listened to myself and told him he could get the girls. Even after I did that I tried giving him instructions on how to do it. He finally just said I got this.

He does got it, he is an awesome dad to our girls. I still stressed about it until they got home. When they came home the girls were so excited that he was the one who picked up. I spent the rest of the night letting him and our two little girls take care of me.

I have to let go and let my family help me. The world didn’t end when I accepted help. To much in my life I start to feel over run, the walls closing in. When there are people all around me who are willing to help. I should be grateful, there are people who don’t have that. For all the “I got it” mom’s take a breath and let someone help.

Yoga is my new best friend!

Listen I hate working out. I have health issues that make traditional gym type exercise really hard. I have used that as an excuse to not work out at all. Now I am bigger and not near as healthy as I would like.

My therapist recommended Adriene Yoga 30 day journey. Not only to help my physical but, also my mental health.

Let me tell you it has been awesome. Now at first I hated it. It was a lot harder than I thought and I couldn’t hardy do it. All it did was show me how weak and unbalanced I was. I couldn’t even get through a full session.

For once I didnt give up. I want to do better for myself. It has not only made me stronger, it showed me how to relax and turn off my mind. As someone who struggles with anxiety it has been a great help.

I can tell a difference with my anxiety in my daily life and it is amazing. I don’t do yoga every day now. I just made sure I keep up the habit. Even if it is just 10 minutes in the morning before the kids wake up.

Things that make you healthy need to be a habit. Not just something you do for a month and then give up. This is your life we are talking about. If you want it to be better. If you want to feel better about yourself. GET UP and do something about it.

It doesn’t matter how you choose to do it. Yoga has worked great for me even if I look like a fool while doing it. Find what works for you. Don’t try one thing and give up. There are tons of ways to get healthy.

So everyone take a breath, pick something that works and stick to it. Even if you are just doing this for your mental health, it is important! It is a healthy way to deal with emotions that you otherwise might not know what to do with. You are worth the effort so get to it!

Am I a bad mom?

Everyone has probably asked themselves this question before. Are you too strict or too lenient? Do I let them watch t.v. too much? Are they outside enough?

There are just too many factors that go into judgment of yourself. I have stressed about this too much, I’m done.

Are my kids healthy, clean and happy? Yes! Do we watch too much t.v. sometimes? Yes! Do I loose my temper and yell when I should be calm sometimes? Yes! Do we have awesome dance parties when we should be getting ready for bed? Yes!

There is always room for improvement. I will always continue to work on myself to be a better mom. I try to also focus on the good that I do with my kids. My kids are amazing and realize when I am having a bad day.

In fact if I’m sick or just admit I’m crabby, they tend to be better for me. We are entirely too hard on ourselves. You are doing a good job. You are a good mom. Your kids love you! So just take a breath we all have bad days. Don’t kill yourself with guilt. No one is a perfect parent. Love your kids and do the best you can.